STRUGGLES

This has been a pretty incredible week for me! I got to go to Nashville and spend some time with my favorite sister, Kelly, and my favorite brother-in-law, Steven, got to grow closer with one of the most amazing girls I know- Rachel, spent quality time with my mom, had a much needed break from school and work and saw some of the most beautiful things ever!! God really showed me again how awesome He is and how much he has truly blessed my life.

Now that I'm home and reality is setting in once again, I can just feel that this is going to be a hard week. Over the past year I have gone through some really tough struggles. All the glory goes to God for getting me through some super tough stuff! One thing that is difficult for me right now is that a huge part of my life crashed and burned over a year ago. A year ago! I feel silly sometimes that it still can really bother me. I hate admitting to people that I am still having a difficult time, but I still am! Even tho it's been a while, it's still something I'm working on. There I said it!!! I'm still struggling!! Some days I still don't see what the point is anymore and I continue to question why things have gone the way that they have for me recently. Everyone tells me that God is going to honor this hard time in my life and that someday I will look back on this and be so thankful! I know I'm learning a lot and getting an awesome chance to grow closer with the Lord, but it's still super hard. I obviously have my good days and my bad days! This year has been a crazy roller coaster. I always have a hard time telling people how I truly feel. I can be extremely sad, but still put on the face of "everything is perfect"! That is the most draining thing ever! If you know me, you know that I enjoy staying up late and so normally I do. Sometimes, it's just way to hard to tho. By 8:00 my body is screaming to go to sleep. I'm scared to sleep sometimes though. Either I can't fall asleep because my mind won't shut off or I have awful dreams! I rarely ever sleep completely through the night and so then I just get frustrated. Then, since I don't really get a good night's sleep, I have the hardest time waking up in the morning. It's awful. I've never ever have felt this way before in my life. It's hard to explain and I wish these feeling upon no one. Sometimes my alarm will go off for 2 hours before I get up because I literally can't get up. I just have to pray and pray for the Lord to give me the strength to get up and face the day.

Today has just been one of those bad days. All I've wanted to do is go to sleep since the moment I woke up. I got like 7 hours of sleep tho and that's more than I normally get, so I should have been fine. All day I've been putting off everything that I need to do. I had 3 hours between school and work and had so much to do during that time and instead I laid in bed most of the time. I went to work and I just didn't feel myself. On my way home, there was a pretty bad storm, but it was so cool to see. It was just another reminder of how big the God we serve is. I drove home blasting worship music and felt the awesome presence of God right there with me. One of my biggest struggles is going to God for everything. That is the true desire of my heart, but it's a very tough thing to do. So, as I feel the comfort of the Lord, I'm still feeling lonely. I hate that feeling. I feel lonely all the time and I really don't have a reason to feel that way. I have an awesome family and great friends! What more do I want? I don't want to feel the loneliness because I'm not dating someone. I want God to fill that void for me. I don't even feel ready to be with someone and I know that is why God has been guarding me from that. When will I be ready? When is this guy going to come along and sweep me off my feet? These are things that I obviously battle with in my head over and over on a daily basis. I HATE THAT!!! It's really hard being a girl! Do guys feel this loneliness and longing for someone so bad too?? When I feel like this I just try and pray for my future husband if there is one that God has planned for me. It does make me feel a little better. But on this rainy night that I'll be sitting up late doing my homework I just wish I had him with me. I wish he was here now to push me to do the things that I haven't done yet and to bring a smile to my face. God help me, please!!!

I'm just going on and on right now! haha Sorry if you've actually read all of this, but thank you at the same time. I don't talk about this much and it feels good to just kind of let this out a little bit. If you're reading this and can relate in any way, I hope this makes you feel better in knowing that you're not alone. All I can say is pray and read your Bible. As I'm struggling and tears are filling up my eyes, that's the best advice I can give. He will comfort you!! God is a big, God, yet never too busy for you! Psalm 34:17 says "The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles." Those are such comforting words to read! He is rescuing all of us no matter what we're dealing with in our lives!

I am writing this with an extremely heavy heart and so much is on my mind. I wish there was an "on" and "off" switch for the mind! That would be so helpful to me!! haha So yeah, I don't even know if what I've written makes sense. I just know that the only thing that makes me feel better when I am down is running into the arms of our Lord and Savior. There is nothing in the world that compares to how that feels!!

How great is our God!!!!